Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Buck naked

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while