Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.