You Might Also Like
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
True.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her