Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?