Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
How wrong was this guy?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁