(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
😂💯
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job