My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Mornin
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
dream blunt rotation
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?