my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Goat cheese is for herders.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software