If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
still the best tweet of the year by far
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.