Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self