Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

mmm onion ringos

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.