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Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.