Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

Golf would be better with landmines.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂