Them: You should try keto
Me:
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Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.