Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

If you love someone, let them sleep.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it