If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Google assistant rules
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely