Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Admin smashed it 😂
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.