Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
