Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Spring of Deception

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this