store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
hmm conte-me mais
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”