whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
We don’t deserve birds.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”