Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.