Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.