Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
You can’t rush stupid.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
This is my favorite one of these!
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Golf would be better with landmines.