Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Saturday

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

For cardio I live beyond my means.

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.