Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.