My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?