me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this