I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
He-man has a Masters degree
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.