Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

#inspiration #foodforthought

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.