Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.