Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?