Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube