Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

ㅤ

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Every. Damn. Time.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall