Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*