Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Tapped in

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.