Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Great acting.. 😂

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

…

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster