Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery