Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.