Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Plant care tips

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.