Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I didn’t come here to be called names
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️