5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
God making man in his image was the original selfie
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*