Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars