just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing