Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Let’s Go

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.