I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
So sick of all these stupid rules
mom had nothing to worry about
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
No regrets in 2018
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
