Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

I occasionally drink every single night.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.