Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

hmmm

This classic never gets old . . .

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad