Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password