The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
You Might Also Like
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!